It's Been A While
by Lynn7
Summary: Jon's thoughts about the decisions he'd made and while


Of course, I don't own any of this. It's my first attempt, so be nice. I swear there is a rhyme to my madness.  
  
  
"It's Been A While"  
  
The capital city of Corus was filled with celebrations of Kings birthday. At the palace, a masquerade was being held in honor of the King. The courtiers had turned out in a dazzling display of costumes. The King looked over his people, trying to play the part of a happy king, striving to act as joyous as his subjects. They had every right to be happy, after all. It was a calm time for Tortall. Peace prevailed, the turbulent times finally seemed to be over, the economy had recovered, the treasure was full and the people were thriving. Jon was not one of them.   
  
Jonathan stood suddenly, feeling stifled. Ignoring the whispers of the courtiers, he walked out of the ballroom to a dais over looking the gardens. Let them talk, he thought grimily. Not that they would ever understand. Looking down on the gardens, Jon's tried to relax, running through calming exercises in an attempt to release tension.   
  
He didn't get this way as often anymore. Didn't allow himself to be bitter about how things had turned out. He didn't have time for matters of the heart when he people needed him. Still, the emotional backlash of repressing his feelings did catch up with him on nights like tonight. While the mood swings didn't' come as often anymore, the sporadic bouts of bitter longing had become more intense and almost unbearable.   
  
And it's been awhile  
Since I could hold my head up high  
And it's been awhile  
Since I first saw you  
  
The thought of it made him smile. A small, flame haired boy standing up to a bully twice his size. Growing up in the Palace as he had, Jon had never seen wonder of the world he lived in or understood people the way she did. No one else gave him the freedom, as the Royal Heir, or ever argued so fiercely with him. The things she had shown him and the adventures they had taken together were some of his fondest memories. He missed her more than words or tears or shouting could give credit to.  
  
And it's been awhile  
Since I could stand on my own two feet again  
And it's been awhile  
Since I could call you  
  
She had been gone for such a long time. The Goddess knew that she was famous for her stubborn anger, but Jon never thought it would go on this long. He felt as if he was missing a part of himself. They had been together for so long, it was imposable to take being apart form her for so long. He cursed under his breath, railing at the choices he had to make. Being a King, one was not allowed to be selfish and expected to give up little things -like the love of his life- for his kingdom.  
  
And everything I can't remember  
As fu**ed up as it all may seem  
The consequences that I've rendered  
I've stretched myself beyond my means  
  
Intense longing swept over him. In a palace full of people, Jon couldn't have been more alone. He missed her desperately and it didn't help to know he was the very reason she was gone. Miserable that Alanna could still make him feel this way after so long while she seemed unaffected by the separation.   
  
And it's been awhile  
Since I can say that I wasn't addicted  
And it's been awhile  
Since I can say I love myself as well  
  
Anger cascaded thorough him. Three royal summons. Three! Still she had not come. He was the King, and she his vassal. He understood how much Kel meant to her but there were incredible important things to be done. Things to important for her to be pouting. Jon shook his head in frustration. She disobeyed his summons all the same. Out of anger at him and, he knew, out of her fear of him. Fear of the way he felt. Oh, he had not said so allowed, but there were small touches and smoldering glances…slow, knowing smiles that made his feelings clear.  
  
And it's been awhile  
Since I've gone and fu**ed things up just like I always do  
And it's been awhile  
But all that sh*t seems to disappear when I'm with you  
  
They had sat together late one night, both of them way too far into their cups. George was in out spying and Thayet no where to be found. Talks of good times turned into a completely inappropriate conversation. Jon made an advance -or three- none of which she responded to. Instead, she had put him to his bed, alone. When he woke, his embarrassment was out weighed only by anger. Jon could barley met her eyes. Worse, she acted as if nothing had occurred. She ignored the fact that he had almost disgraced Thayet and betrayed one of his best friends. It was worse than her refusal in the dessert. The rejections, not that he hadn't deserved both, had weighed on him heavily. He wanted her to be happy, but with Alanna, every time he moved, he did something wrong.  
  
And everything I can't remember  
As fu**ed up as it all may seem  
The consequences that I've rendered  
I've gone and fu**ed things up again  
  
Then Kel arrived and he acted rashly. Rash wasn't the word for it and while the decision was a sound one, they both knew he was being petty and hurtful. But he had to do something! She was killing him. Joy, hope, fear, jealousy and anger all swirled within him the moment he caught sight of her. Alanna had denied him time after time, reason after reason, but Jon could she the soft look her eyes when she watched him. She invaded his dreams at night and he could get no relief. Yes, anger and frustration had gotten the best of him that day. And so he had gotten his wish, in a round about way.   
  
Why must I feel this way?  
Just make this go away  
Just one more peaceful day!  
  
Why couldn't he just let it go? Let her go? Would there ever be a day that he didn't think of her for some reason or another? Half of him wanted her so badly it made his teeth hurt and the other half wanted to shove her away so that he could get on with his life. Silently, Jon seethed. Angry at her for her refusal, angry at the circumstances of his life that had denied him of her, but most of all, angry at himself for bringing it all about.   
  
And it's been awhile  
Since I could look at myself straight  
And it's been awhile  
Since I said I'm sorry  
  
She wouldn't come back until he apologized. At moments like this, Jon knew that he would do anything to just see her again. How could she stay away? Jon knew that had their positions been reversed, he would have relented long ago.  
  
And it's been awhile  
Since I've seen the way the candle lights your face  
And it's been awhile  
But I can still remember just the way you taste  
  
His hands tightened painfully on the railing when he caught sight of a small bench, half-hidden by under brush. Heart thudded painfully, Jon's jaw clenched painfully as longing overwhelmed him. It was so intense that, for a moment, Jon thought his heart wouldn't make it to the next beat. He remembered that bench and the night that followed vividly. Even as he closed his eyes against the reality of living without her, Jon reveled in the heady feeling his memories gave him. It had been such a long time ago…  
  
And everything I can't remember  
As fu**ed up as it all may seem to be I know it's me  
I cannot blame this on my father  
He did the best he could for me  
  
Shaking his head, Jon wished he could blame his parents for making him a romantic at heart, but knew he never could. For all their love, his parents had been very practical. They had never disillusioned him about who and why he would marry. Still, it rubbed him raw that everywhere around him, all his friends -even his parents- had married for love while he married for Kingdom.   
  
And it's been awhile  
Since I could hold my head up high  
And it's been awhile  
Since I said I'm sorry   
  
Sighing, Jon ran he hands though his hair. He was the reason that they would never be together, and he accepted that fact. The truth, as much as it tore him up inside, was that he loved his Kingdom more than he loved Alanna. He knew that he would choose Tortall over her, or anyone else. In ruling a Kingdom, you don't have enough room in your heart for another. That is why Jon and Thayet got on so well. There were no emotional attachments to each other, just the Kingdom. He just couldn't subject Alanna to that.   
  
He would just have to wait. There was no doubt that Kel would be a fine knight, so Alanna's temper and pride would be appeased. She would be able to return to Corus and no one would be more glad to see her that he.  
  
And it's been awhile  
Since I could hold my head up high  
And it's been awhile  
Since I said I'm sorry 


End file.
